I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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