I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
