textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
