fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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