i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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