I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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