Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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