Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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