I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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