Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize