Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
