im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
