i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
