OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
