im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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