oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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