got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
