im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
