Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
