Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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