oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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