I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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