What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
