So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I need to sanitize my soul.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
