party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
