god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
