Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
