And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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