all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
