1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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