So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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