listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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