The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
