Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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