M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
