if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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