she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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