No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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