just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
