Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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