Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
