what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
