I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
