my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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