"it" just moved
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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