That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
