i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
