are you so shy because you have an std?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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