Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
