i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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