There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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