If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
