i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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