So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
