We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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