I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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