can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
