when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
