she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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